She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
