All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
