Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
