my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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