There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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