You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
