When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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