I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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