just come out here and I will go home with you...
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
