You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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