I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
