When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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