remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
