Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
well, you know. whores of a feather.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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