how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
