FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
