Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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