I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she peed on how many people?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
