I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
