Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
