she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
