Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
