Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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