I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
