Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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