Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
