my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
