So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
