Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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