The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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