Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
