There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
