I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
