she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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