Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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