please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
