two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
