Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
