She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
