There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
