i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
