today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
