my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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