The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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