you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
