guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
