Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
