I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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