I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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