mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Found your dick twin last night
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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