I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
