in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
