Will you blow on my dice?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
