i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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