I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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